Wordless Wednesday

Overheard at my house:
Beebs - "I'm going to build a secret lair in the basement... it will be my very own man cave."

Growing up

My child wore a size 12 jeans - literally - last Thursday. This morning, she tries on said jeans and they do not fit. And, I'm not talking about the "this is probably the last time you can wear those pants" kind of don't fit. She could barely hike them up, even with that little jump up and down move she apparently learned from watching her mother trying to wrestle on pants. I never expected to have to start my day off with explaining to my daughter what people refer to as camel-toe!


Three pair of jeans later, she managed to find a pair that fit - but seriously, how does that happen? She literally outgrew them in 2 days. This is some kind of cruel joke... it's not enough that I'm the parent of a teenager next week, but now I'm the parent of a young lady too. I supposed to be the young lady. I guess my only hope is for the day when someone mistakes us for sisters. 

Wordless Wednesday

November 21st - really?

I haven't posted actual words 'round here in a few weeks. So let's just do a quick update.

• Christmas shopping, according to my spreadsheet, is 78% complete. 
• Project Vikingsless-Family-Room is underway and hopefully moving past the primer stage this evening. With a 2-8 season so far, it seemed like the perfect time to get rid of the purple and gold walls...
• 1 month from today, I'll be the mother of a teenager. I need more time to come to grips with this. 
• 1 month and 1 day from today, Sis will undergo her 7th surgery. 
• We are still church-homeless. 
• Sis's kitty survived her 1st (and hopefully last) raccoon or opossum attack, with the scars to prove it.
• I had my first close up with a coyote about a week ago. Thankfully I was on the inside of the car and he was not. 
• Wy Guy has been recommended for high school algebra for 8th grade next year. If he scores well enough on the placement exam in January,  next year, he'll be shuttled to the high school every day for math. He'll earn high school credit and be on his way to take AP Calculus by his senior year. He such a hard worker (and smarty pants)!
• Sis and Beebs are playing basketball, which is kind of a new sport for us. Both are enjoying and I like seeing them in a physical activity for the winter. 
• Speaking of activity, I'm once again starting the C25K program, let's not discuss that this will be my 3rd time. I think if I throw it out here, I'll have to be accountable to getting past week 5... 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

The other kind of failure

We had a good kind of failure a few weeks ago, but now we're in the midst of the kind of failure that a parent of a child with a medical device never wants to face.

We've been here before... Sis is on her second pacemaker due to the unexpected failure of her first one 5 years in. It seems weird to say, but when something fails unexpectedly it's so much easier. It fails, you find out, and before you have time to worry or be scared, you're in surgery and the failure is over. 

This one has been more dramatic, more drawn out. For over 6 months, Sis's left implant has been performing intermittently and causing her pain. We've been back and forth to her team. We've been troubleshooting. We've been paying to replace every piece of external equipment. As of Saturday (just weeks shy of 5 years in), it doesn't work at all, so we're heading back to the team for a final integrity test of the internal device this week. 

Decision: ex-plant and re-implant or ex-plant, period? Sis says NO re-implantation on the left side. She's done. She's weary and nervous and angry, and frankly, so am I. I am tired of surgical suites and doctors and decisions. When you get to this situation it really makes you question your past choices. Did I do right by her? Is she right when she points the finger at me and says "If YOU hadn't done this, I wouldn't be going through this." How do I respond when she says "You are not deaf. You just don't get it." Because she's right, I don't get it.

What I do get is her pain, her fear, her worry, her feeling of injustice - probably more than I'll ever be able to communicate to her. All I can do is be a cup she can pour her accusations, tears, frustrations and decisions into. So, if you see me misty-eyed in my office or my car, it's okay, I'm just letting her overflow out of me.

What Women Want (not the Mel Gibson movie)

Click on this and read it first, puh-lease!
Why We Don't Need "Women's Ministry"

This really is a blog post - even if I'm directing you toward someone else's wise words and writing, but if I ramble a bit here, then I think it counts enough.

This is an AH-mazing article - this is what I've been telling my husband for years. Women need women who will be real with them (maybe men do too, I don't pretend to understand what they need... I just press ahead through trial and error!). But I do know women, well, okay, I know one woman. And those are the friendships I crave and have been searching for for 20-some years. Honest, dependent, gritty, joyful, compassionate, celebratory, just-checkin'-in, just-thinkin'-about-you, just-givin'-you-my-honest-opinion, yes-you-can-just-drop-by and yes-you-can-call-me-in-the-middle-of-the-night kinds of friendship. It goes agains everything the world tells us we need to be real women (independence, self reliance, putting our own needs first), when in reality, NOT being those things is exactly what being a real woman is. The reason we crave relationships like this and the reason it fulfills us to have them is because that is how we were created. Embrace it girls and go stalk somebody until they become a real friend :)

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'" - Sigmund Freud

Geez, Siggy, we could have answered that in one blog post.

a good kind of failure

Last week I saw this, and it made me remember this, which got me thinking about, as a mom, how can I do this?!

How did I get there from images of photoshopped perfection and anorexic halloween costumes? Well, it's just the way my mind works, and honestly I think it's kind of always in the back of my mind - how do I get them out from underneath all of the world's bombardment of what they "should" be? I think the answer came to me this weekend, thanks to cheerleading. I can encourage and empower my kids by letting them fail.

Now before you start thinking I'm some sort of sadist parent, it's not that I want my kids to be failures. I just want them to fail... sometimes.

This weekend, Sis went through 2 days of tryouts for basketball cheerleading. She tried hard and she didn't make it. She was upset, but she handled it gracefully, thanking the coach for the opportunity and stating that she would try again next year. Part of me wanted her to make it, so that she could try something new, but I found myself happily content with the result. There seemed to be a bigger life lesson in NOT making the squad.

Kids today are constantly being praised for their successes and not their efforts. I don't want my kids to have their self worth tied to results. I don't want them to be scared to fail. I want them to know that if they aren't the best, if they aren't always successful, it doesn't mean there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

I have decided that my job is to get them out from under what society heaps on them by making them face their failures head on and helping them through it. As hard as it is for me as their mom, I will not let them always take the easy path. And in the end, I hope to help them to succeed at life by learning to fall gracefully along the way.

Our 14th!

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. -- Paul Sweeney

Happy 14th anniversary Toad!!

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Promises, promises

A new post is coming... just not today.

Wordless Wednesday

A decade later...

September 6, 2001, I sat in a room with Todd and our 14-month old baby girl, her grandparents and one of my dearest friends watching from another room, and signed to her "listen". "Listen" - how do you explain that word to a deaf child? It was a word that meant nothing to her at that time, but she seemed to still and pay attention nevertheless. No one in that room knew what to expect, but it's a day that I'd wager none of us will ever forget. After a lifetime of utter silence, for the first time my daughter heard me say "It's me, your mama." She turned and acknowledged me briefly with widened eyes, but quickly signed "more play" and went right back to her toy. She couldn't be bothered and I think that pretty much sums up her attitude toward all of the difficulties she's encountered in her life. "I've got more important things to do, ma."

This kid has been a roller coaster ride since the day of her birth and continues to be. While it's hard to admit this when I'm at the peak of a thousand foot drop, with my stomach in my throat and my head telling me 'this is crazy and scary', I wouldn't have it any other way. She's not what I dreamt of when I thought about being a mommy to a little girl. No, she's more than my brain could have imagined. A decade later and she's taught me to dream new dreams, ones with their own version of beauty and perfection, and for that I could never repay her.

This video (pardon the quality) was taken 13 months after Sis first heard.

Wordless Wednesday

My little color-coded world

This, my friends, is a glimpse into the past month. Keep in mind that this is only one portion of the month - the sports schedule. This calendar is where I started 4 weeks ago while inputting information into my August spreadsheet. I only allow my kiddos one sport/extracurricular activity at a time and the above image is why.

Now, let's mix in there: school registration, a school in-service for the staff working with Sis, an IEP meeting, Meet The Teacher and Open House x 3, a full set of braces and 3 subsequent ortho appointments, 2 haircuts, Tag Day, physicals, court, 3 days in the Wisconsin Dells, Todd traveling for work and my full time job. Hopefully you'll begin to realize that my color-coded Excel spreadsheet isn't really OCD - it's sanity, at least a little glimmer of it. For 3 years, I've gotten by thanks to this little color-coded world.

I have managed to shut out all t.v. (except for the 3 Friday night movie rentals we've done) and have successfully completed 4 books this month, but other than that, I've really accomplished very little. Well, I've kept them all fed and relatively happy, so I guess that'll have to be accomplishment enough during this season.

Overheard at my house:
Sis: "EVERYONE in my class is obsessed with being popular. I don't really care about being popular, I just want them to like me."

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Searching

For several months, we've been searching for a new church. First, let's get out of the way that our decision to move on was not taken lightly or without pain. It's something we've prayed about and asked direction around for nearly a year. There are multiple reasons that we started to consider leaving, but only one reason we actually did - God told us it was time. Okay, moving on...

It sure is tough to find a new church to call home when you are coming from another that you were deeply connected to. I miss my relationships. This struggle to fill that hole from your last church hurts. A lot. And I'm sure you all know how I like routine. I like a plan - it gives me comfort. I like to be involved - I'm not a sidelines kind of gal. With our recent home move and school district change, I'm desperate for some stability and roots for our kids. Right now that's obviously not happening without a church home and it gives me a little anxiety and sadness.

Finding a new church is hard. With my mustard seed of faith, I grumble at God and sulk, struggle to keep to the discipline of prayer and reading my bible daily and continue to make the same mistakes... again and again. Personally, I’d like to go somewhere I can own up to all of that, a place with great teaching, but also great music – a place that allows me the mystery of God yet behaves as the family of God; one that stretches me to be more but still accepts me as I am.

As we've been visiting local churches, there are things I'm learning:

• I notice silly things. At one church, I really liked the carpet. Not that I ever disliked the carpeting in our previous church, but there was something more comfortable and non-sanctuaryish about it. 
• Proverbs 3:5-6. I've been carrying around my list of criteria for a new church - size, youth ministry, worship style & focus, missions focus. So basically instead of treating God like the all powerful, all knowing creator of the universe, I'm treating him more like a realtor helping me to find a new house. A new realtor that I don’t fully trust. Sorry `bout that God.
• The kids opinions matter. One of Beebs first complaints one Sunday was that there was no breakfast at this church. Most kids, mine included, only have two speeds: normal and emergency. They either don’t have to go to the bathroom or “Get out of the way, I gotta go!" They are either not hungry or starving. So, Beebs' comment tells me that's his strong emergency sense - his priority - his comfort. Now, we won't be basing our new church on whether they serve community breakfast, but we have made it a habit to discuss each service as a family and note everyone's opinions. 
• We need to go at least twice. If you visit a church only once, you have an 92% chance of going on the Sunday they let the weird lady who went on a mission trip play a rain stick version of “God of Wonders.” Unless it's clear that very first time that the church is ungodly or unbiblical, one visit is no way to get an impression of a church.

No church is perfect…and if it is, it won’t be as soon as I step into it! My focus right now is trusting in His direction for where our family should be. Now, if I could just shut up and listen. 

Wordless Wednesday

Brought to you by the color RED

Over the past couple of months, I have started to notice extreme spurts of energy in Beebs. He's always pretty busy, full of typical boynergy, but we're talking a marked difference in his ability to sit, stay and speak (yes, I'm talking about my son, not the dog!).

It started on the last day of school, when I picked him up from Latchkey and the Latchkey Director asked me if he had any food allergies. She said that he'd had some extra "fun" snacks as they celebrated the end of the year and that they seemed to have affected him behaviorally. Knowing that the content of "fun" snacks = extra sugar, combined with the fact that it was the last day of school and he'd had a field trip, I made mental note of the list of what he'd ingested, including Hawaiian Punch©, as well as his behavior (including literally trying to climb the walls, tables, chairs, other kids...), but put it to the `likely never to be recovered because I have mommy memory' part of my brain.

As the summer wore on, I did notice a couple of these episodes with him, but they usually happened during a particularly stimulating scenario (i.e. loads of kids, birthday parties, swimming pools, etc.), including more "fun" snacks than my kids normally are allowed to consume. I pretty much chalked it up to sugar and over-stimulation. However, about a month ago, he was at Grammy's house for the day and had one of these extreme spurts of energy. He began talking so fast that he was gasping for breath and salivating because he would forget to swallow. He was running, jumping, climbing - generally being spastic. Grammy was in shock by the difference in his behavior. The only sugary, out of the ordinary thing he'd had was a frozen, fruit juice popsicle thing.

Fast forward to two weeks ago and the babysitter mentions that after eating a Fruit Roll-Up©, she noticed Beebs got very hyper. Now, let me explain to you that I have pretty much the most flexible, reliable, tolerable babysitter in central Illinois (jealous, much?!), so for her to mention unruly behavior, it must have really been out of hand. Last week, one morning he was nearly impossible to entertain or redirect, the sitter noticed a 1/2 eaten unfrosted, strawberry Pop Tart© on the counter. Hmmm...

So, what do you know, my mommy memory isn't as much as a black abyss as I'd originally thought! I started realizing there might be some common denominators preceding these "episodes" - and it wasn't all excessive sugar either - sometimes it was real, fresh fruit, like strawberries or apples. The only commonality I could find was that everything he'd recently eaten/drank was red or purple.

I started doing some research and there are, like nearly everything with kids, very different camps on the idea of food dye allergies and intolerance. In fact, it's been a recent topic of discussion at the FDA. I'm not sure what I think, since I can't seem to pin it on anything else, except RED. He definitely doesn't have what you would classify as an allergy, which would manifest in physical symptoms such as hives, swelling, etc. but he does seem to have an intolerance (read: extremely hyperactive, impulsive and sometimes aggressive behavior).

I don't doubt that Red #40 (the most common Red food dye) was tested back in the day and was deemed safe for consumption, but I also don't doubt that, like anything you consume, there can be side effects. Aspirin has side effects...eating chilies has side effects... And we can all agree that the FDA/USDA have approved things that have later been shown to be harmful and I can also say that Red #40 (along with many other artificial dyes) has been banned in the UK. Most of what I've read says that consumption of Red #40 doesn't actually cause hyperactivity but can exacerbate it in children with ADD/ADHD. Obviously I'm going on purely anecdotal evidence right now, basing my own theory on what I'm seeing, but I'm gonna try to eliminate Red #40 as much as possible to see what happens, but lemme tell ya, it's in a ton of food!

This morning I discovered Red #40 in the ingredient list of my whole wheat waffles! Ugh.



Overheard at my house:
Beebs "My birthday is September 18th, but I was born a few days before that."

Real Mothers

This is the most real and meaningful quote I have read in a LONG time. It's from a book I'm just finishing called House Rules by Jodi Picoult, one of my favorite authors. I loved this book because, as someone who has worked with adults with developmental disabilities (and specifically Asperger Syndrome), she demonstrates well both internal and external perspectives. However, regardless of it's context, I think every mother can relate. SO, here's to you, my fellow real mothers!!

"When did they stop putting toys in cereal boxes? When I was little, I remember wandering the cereal aisle (which surely is as American a phenomenon as fireworks on the Fourth of July) and picking my breakfast food based on what the reward was: a Frisbee with the Trix rabbit's face emblazoned on the front. Holographic stickers with the Lucky Charms leprechaun. A mystery decoder wheel. I could suffer through raisin bran for a month if it meant I got a magic ring at the end.

I cannot admit this out loud. In the first place, we are expected to be supermoms these days, instead of admitting that we have flaws. It is tempting to believe that all mothers wake up feeling fresh every morning, never raise their voices, only cook with organic food, and are equally at ease with the CEO and the PTA.

Here's a secret: those mothers don't exist. Most of us - even if we'd never confess - are suffering through the raisin bran in the hopes of a glimpse of that magic ring.

I look very good on paper. I have a family, and I write a newspaper column. In real life, I have to pick superglue out of the carpet, rarely remember to defrost for dinner, and plan to have BECAUSE I SAID SO engraved on my tombstone.

Real mothers wonder why experts who write for Parents and Good Housekeeping-and, dare I say it, the Burlington Free Press - seem to have their acts together all the time when they themselves can barely keep their heads above the stormy seas of parenthood.

Real mothers don't just listen with humble embarrassment to the elderly lady who offers unsolicited advice in the checkout line when a child is throwing a tantrum. We take the child, dump him in the lady's car, and say, "Great. Maybe YOU can do a better job."

Real mothers know that it's okay to eat cold pizza for breakfast.

Real mothers admit it is easier to fail at this job than to succeed.

If parenting is the box of raisin bran, then real mothers know the ratio of flakes to fun is severely imbalanced. For every moment that your child confides in you, or tells you he loves you, or does something unprompted to protect his brother that you happen to witness, there are many more moments of chaos, error, and self-doubt.

Real mothers may not speak the heresy, but they sometimes secretly wish they'd chosen something for breakfast other than this endless cereal.

Real mothers worry that other mothers will find that magic ring, whereas they'll be looking and looking for ages.

Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one."

Wordless Wednesday

Summer Camp

Sis is away at summer camp. More specifically, she's away at The Lions Club of Illinois Camp Lions for Deaf/HOH kids... without air conditioning... with heat advisory temperatures... for an entire week... by herself. Ok, well technically she's not ALL by herself, but she's more alone than she has been in the past. Big bro has always gone to pave the way and be a defender when needed.

She's been to sleepover camp twice before (church camp) and it's been farther away than this camp, so why am I such a hot mess about her being gone this time?!? Why am I sleeping with my phone, just in case?

For some reason this camp is different.

What if she doesn't like this camp?

What if the other kids put her hand into warm water while she's sleeping or freeze her bra?

What if she drowns in the lake because the teenage counselors are too busy flirting with each other to properly watch their charges?

What if this whole camp is just a facade to indoctrinate her into some sort of Satanic cult?

What if a chainsaw wielding serial killer wearing a hockey mask infiltrates the camp and she doesn't know NOT to go investigate that strange noise in the dark, abandoned cabin?

What if she gets homesick?

What if she doesn't bathe or brush her teeth, AGAIN?

Every person in attendance at Camp Lions is either Deaf, HOH, or (like some of the counselors) Deaf Ed majors. Signing hands are flying everywhere. At registration, she was instantly overwhelmed at the amount of sign language being used and worried that she wouldn't be able to keep up. Maybe that initial response from her is what knocked me off of my she'll-be-fine-she's-done-this-before track.

All I know is I'm literally counting down the days until I can pick her up and am waiting with bated breath to hear her say that having your bra frozen is hilarious and that she can't wait to go back next year.

My own series of failures (title credit given to C.G. - thanks!)

I know it's been 2 weeks since I've posted, but let me give you a really valid excuse - no home computer! Our desktop seems to have mysteriously lost it's ability to connect to the internet (No LAN) and multiple service calls haven't helped. I just haven't had the time to get it in somewhere or get someone out to personally look at it. I have access through my laptop because the internet is working, as is the wireless router, but because we have satellite internet now, there are only a couple of "hotspots" in the house and who really wants to sit on the kitchen floor to be able to post?!? Not me, but I will sacrifice for the sake of my blog and faithful readers... so here you go...

In fact, come to think of it, lots of things have been breaking since my last post.
1) home computer - previously explained.

2) my favorite necklace - not that it matters to anyone but me, but it really was super cute.

3) my phone - stupid Droid2. You know I waited a few years to get a fancy smartphone because I knew it would change my perspective and dependence. It has. I truly love my technology so much, that when it doesn't work as planned, I feel gipped. Really Tanya? Reality check - this is not something you need, it's something you enjoy having - get over it if you don't have it 24/7!!

4) my string of 4 years without a paid vacation - this is a good break fo sho! I took two days off to just hang with the kiddos and two more days off to take Sis to the ASA Girls 10U Fastpitch Softball State Tournament in Decatur. Those Lil Lettes played hard and Sis had so much fun finishing out her 2nd season. She's already talking about next season and moving up to the 12U, as well as trying out for the Jr. High team at school.

5) my health - I have terrible head congestion going on 4 days now and it's settling in my chest. I'm pretty sure it's from a lot of in and out of a/c and 90+ degree heat for 4 days at the tournament and partially from having a hotel room with mold in the shower and water standing on the carpet, but nevertheless, I feel pretty much like crap.

6) my foot - now this isn't confirmed, but judging my the amount of pain and bruising, I'm pretty positive that when I jammed my recently fixed pinky toe into the door frame on Monday night and almost passed out, it broke. Hopefully the screws that were already there from surgery in March are still in the same places.

Wordless Wednesday