T minus 70 hours until I have a useless pair of rigid gas permeable contact lenses in my medicine cabinet. Crazy. I'm approaching 30 years of being in corrective lenses, so it doesn't seem real that I won't have them anymore. I just can't wrap my brain around it.
I'm nervous and in my ever present compulsive nature, I have a list of things that scare me:
1) No makeup, lotion, soap or hair product. If you have ever had the pleasure of seeing me upon rising in the morning, this would scare you too, probably more than it scares me.
2) The chair. I have some nasty claustrophobia. Things that impair my senses stress me (i.e. earmuffs, face masks, blankets, sometimes even gloves and socks). The chair has a deep head well to lay in to help prevent you from moving during the procedure. I'm a little light headed and sweaty even thinking about that.
3) Seeing. Yeah, of course I'm excited about being able to see normally, but actually seeing the procedure happen really kind of freaks me out.
4) The laser. Dude, it's a laser - 'nuff said.
5) The smell. On the heels of #4, the laser burns away your eye tissue and it smells, just as you would expect, like burnt flesh.
6) The meds. So I get Valium when I get there and I take Ambien for the next 24 hours to make me sleep because having your eyes closed heals them faster. I'm a light weight. Not exaggerating here - everything, except ibuprofen, makes me drowsy. For me, those meds that say "non-drowsy" or "daytime" on the label mean I've got about an hour of full functioning before I'm in a pharmaceutical fog. And for those drugs that are known to make you sleepy, well let's just say I've been known to pass out mid-sentence with those. Literally mid-sentence, in front of people. It's not pretty.
BUT, I'm excited, so excited and here's why:
1) Seeing the clock. Our alarm clock has a large, "easy to read" display and is on my side of the bed. However, upon waking in the night, I still have to squint and put my nose on the clock to read what time it is.
2) Shaving. Ah, to be able to shave my legs and armpits without guessing.
3) Make-up. Being able to putting on eye makeup and knowing what it looks like and without poking myself in the eye with the mascara wand will be fabulous.
4) Throwing away the plunger. As anyone with RGP contacts knows, they will on painful occassion, slide up underneath your eyelid. I have a mini pink plunger so that I can pull out my eyelid and pluck it off of my eyeball - which, while probably comedic to watch, is incredibly painful to go through.
5) Driving. I'd love to be able to read street signs before I need to turn, instead of when it's too late to commit.
6) Zambia. This makes me smile. I don't have to worry about glasses or contacts for a painfully long flight or trying to care for contacts with bottled water. yay!
7) Sight. Just in general, being able to see unaided for the first time in my life - how can that not be on the list?
I've been watching Lasik procedure videos for the past few days, intentionally staying away from "Lasik gone wrong" and such. I guess if kids supposedly get desensitized by watching t.v. and playing video games, I can do the same in a more positive fashion, right? Here's a still photo for you:
What makes it a good morning:
1) Wyatt's lump is just a swollen lymph node! Funny how that's great news, but considering one week ago, they thought it might be a parotid tumor to be surgically removed, we'll take a giant lymph node. We still have to follow up with the doc this week to see about treating it since it's been enlarged for about 3 months.
2) My brother got married this weekend, and I got 2 new nephews who are sweet as pie. And I got to hug some family that I don't regularly see.
3) Our open house yesterday had 20 groups of people come through. It only takes one of those to buy, so those aren't bad odds.
What makes it a bad morning:
1) At 7:20a.m. this morning, my car decided it didn't want to start. Of course, this happens on a day when Wy needs to be at school at 7:30 for band and Todd has to go to work early for meetings. Thank God for a Dad who slept in rather than leaving to go back to Kentucky in the wee morning hours - I luv my daddy!
2) Ryder has a urologist appointment and abdominal x-ray today, which means lots of waiting at the hospital.
3) In looking at my calendar for the week, I'm in employee enrollment meetings for the next 3 days straight. ick.
4) It's sunny outside and I am still wearing my glasses (not those of the sun variety). Since I think I'm part bat, this doesn't make for much comfort when I step into the great outdoors.
5) My bad list is longer than my good list. However, I think number 1 on the good list probably counts as 2 or 3 good things.
Biopsy done. We hope to hear results today.
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." - Isaiah 43:1b-3a
P.S. I found out yesterday, after the second go round of testing (this one 2 hours long!) and a 4 week cornea relaxing wait, that I can get LASIK done :) and it's scheduled for April 2. I can't wait!
Make You Feel My Love by Adele (originally a Bob Dylan favorite of mine) is streaming right now on my on-line radio & it fits perfectly with my mood lately. I know the words were written to an unrequited love, but they seem to encompass much of what I need to translate to my kids right now, each for his or her own reason. I think it just might be tougher for moms to watch kids go through stuff than it is for the kids to actually go through it.
I just counted this morning that our family has gone through 14 surgeries in 11 years - not all life threatening caliber, but surgery of some sort, nonetheless. Todd - 1, Tanya - 2, Wyatt - 3, Piper - 6, Ryder - 2. Those are surgeries people, I can't even count hospitalizations and testings. Suffice to say, we've not gone a calendar year without a medical intervention of some sort. I thought 2010 might be the year, but currently, Wyatt has had a sonogram to identify a "mass on his parotid" that he will now have biopsied on Thursday a.m. to narrow down exactly what it is and what the course of action should be. I'm SO over this - the what if's, don't know's, let's try, further consideration needed's, sticking, x-raying, testing. I am mad. I am broke. I am tired. But I am in love with these 4 people and so I hang on and hang in. Make You Feel My Love
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on the rollin’ sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
"When you close your doors, and make darkness within, remember never to say that you are alone, for you are not alone; nay, God is within, and your genius is within. And what need have they of light to see what you are doing?" - Epictetus
I love this quote - it makes sense to my brain. I love logic. I love solving mysteries and puzzles. I love finding answers - hard, concrete, right or wrong answers, not interpretive, maybe-you're-right-but-you-might-be-wrong kind of answers. While I've become more accepting to that (I work in Human Resources!), my core is still rooted in my love for the black & white and simple.
It's true, all of my senses tell me in a concrete way that I'm NEVER alone - I can see/feel/hear/smell/touch kids, a husband, my pets, and a network of acquaintances. And, my faith reinforces that I'm never alone - "... God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'." (Heb 13:5), "...And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Mat 28:20). My head believes it all and views those sensory inputs as black & white. But, alone and lonely are not the same.
My heart sometimes feel lonely. Sitting in a room full of noisy people, I can feel lonely. Why is it that, surrounded by people, we can still feel lonely? Is it because of this - blogging, facebooking, tweating? Is it because we become acquainted but never intimate with others? Is it because we are more occupied with stuff than people? Is it because neighbors don't know each other? Do we believe ourselves inferior or superior to others? Are we far too busy to develop friendships? Are we simply too exhausted to make plans to socialize? Do we do so much for others that we allow ourselves to feel used and objectified?
While I would love to get the question right, I can't find my beloved black & white answer. I can, however, place myself in a few of the answers to those questions, but the right answer is marred by the situation. How about you?
"To transform the emptiness of loneliness, to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life." - Sunita Khosla
I don't know how in the world I ever thought I could keep up with blogging. I just looked and somehow, it's gone from Sunday to Friday in what feels like a day. How does that happen? Does anyone else feel like their life's DVR is stuck on forward x 2?
So, let's see, a recap of this week includes a 2nd showing on our house on Monday with the anticipation of an offer, only to have the parents show up for a walk through and blow the whole thing to smithereens! The couple saw it on Saturday, loved it, went to the bank, came back on Monday and seemed surprised to see the parents there. Keep in mind the parents showed up 30 minutes before the showing appointment and let themselves into our backyard and walked around. When I talked to them and mentioned the appointment was at 6:30, they simply stood in our driveway until time. That night we got feedback that the parents hated the house and refused to even go into the basement to see it and the deal was off. Try as I might to not be, I was offended that someone would actually hate my house! It's a nice house, cozy & charming - not perfect, but not loatheable. (and if that's not a word, I don't care - it fits.) Of course, it does have a weird smell. hah! As my wise uncle pointed out, those type of parents would likely have made the sale a nightmare. So moving forward, I really need someone to love my house to heal my bruised home ego. So I'll wait, patiently. Okay, so maybe not patiently, but I will wait.
Tuesday were Zambia check ups and now we wait on a start date for vaccinations. Wednesday was night 2 of MGT 350 class & two new students showed up. Cool, but it throws off my lecture and handouts when I don't know they're coming! Thursday night was a Zambia meeting and tonight should have been Godz Girlz with Piper, but she came home with a fever and headache. Maybe this is God's way of giving me a night off, but I don't like it at the expense of my kiddos comfort. I've given her some drugs, so we'll see what happens over the next couple of hours. It's been a rough fall/winter for her - she's already had tonsillitis, flu x 2, and pink eye. I'm normally a winter kind of gal, but I think I need warmth so I can detox the house for Piper's sake!
One more proud momma moment! Straight A's for both kids again this trimester! It's quite apparent that they take after their mom ;)
